Fake Blog No. 2

Self portrait probably

Infinite topics at my disposal.

Shall I torment you properly and write about sports?

I just did, I hope it hurt. The subject, as you define it, is far beneath my notice. I cannot waste the firing of neurons on that rot, I have much better things to diss. And we know how good I am at finding fault with things. Well, mostly your species, but you make it so easy.

I will give you a nice selection, you like things in short bits, yes?

Folk Wisdom, the wisdom of ages, and of the bleeding obvious. I can’t even give you a few examples, you think of your own, I don’t waste my time with that either.

Superstitions, love them. Some of our finest work, but the ones you come up with on your own are just shameful. Who are the worst offenders? The Asians, I say it freely. No other race turns numbers into gods like they do, and why wouldn’t you believe in the power of numbers when you have them? The zeros are valuable, the more you can add to your kingdom the bigger it gets.

Royalty. Prince and “Raspberry Beret” nicely encapsulate 3000 years of it.

Gullibility. Satan loves it, and it’s quite clear that you do too. Like a lack of education, you admit it proudly, as if ignorance is an achievement.

Academia. Don’t get me started. You get further away from learning every year. See my brilliant short story, “Her Name Was Anne” for a taste of where you’re headed.

Free Speech. Time to go back to the dictionary. Look those words up, put them together and stop pretending you want it. Every one of you is born a natural censor, try to wrap your head around it.

Weather. Stop lying about that shit. You force the Devil to use plebeian language.

Community. How you Laud this one, even consider it critical for survival. What a joke. The only reason you want it is so you can belong, making you safer, and so you can exclude others, keeping you that way. A flock of geese are community minded when they’re flying, you never are.

Sheep. You have everything but the fleece.

Adolescents. Insupportable. Lock them up and don’t let them out until they’re thirty. Make sure they spend those years learning how much they don’t know. Let them drink so they don’t kill themselves. Ensure they read my blogs.

Trends. You know my thoughts on sexuality. Another word you have no clue about. The phrase ‘all talk, no action’ has never been more fitting. I applaud it, it’s about time you admit you like fucking yourself. Let’s face it, you’re the hottest thing you know.

Wildlife. I doubt you’ll miss it.

Porn. Nauseatingly accessible. You can find it in grade school these days, learning how to colour in the lines. I need you to stop and think about why you want to see two pieces of semi-functional equipment hammer each other. You know what it looks like, how it works, why the repetition?

Sex. You hope there will be lots in my Book, you wait impatiently for me to blog about it, it will come, sweet reader. Remember that reading my words can be likened to the highest quality porn, accept only the best in your vices.

Food. I know what you love, I don’t care.

Witches. They don’t have the exclusive on spells. They are highly susceptible to them, since they have to stay open.

Attention spans. Yours.

Music. Could I diss it? Hardly. I fear we have left the Golden Age, nothing new rises to drive the Devil wild. I fear I must return to Hell where it lives forever.

Art. R.I.P.

Isn’t this nice? Look how long this blog is, are you still with me?

I hope so. A teaser for you. The first two lines of the prologue, in my Book.

Forever is a merciless master. Think of eternal vulnerability.

I did, at one time, promise her that I would atone for the death of her family, and I am, above all, a man of my word, so of course I did everything to avoid the subject.

If the planets allow, you can read it yourself before the new year. Light a candle and say a prayer.

“Like Faith or Some Shit”   by Le Matos    Fuck yourself to it. Well, parts of it. If that doesn’t work for you, try “Brains Out”  by Kim Cesarion, while looking in the mirror.